A letter to you

Dear Reader

I hope you are well?

I wanted to write to you to let you know that I have been on quite a journey this year and I really would like to tell you about it. You see, I think if I write to you, it will help me to make sense of my thoughts and feelings. And maybe in doing so, it may help to start a conversation with you about it all.

Because this is a difficult subject for so many people. I should know as I have tried many times to have it. And it hasn’t always gone well.

Let me give you the gist of what I am talking about.

You see, just over a year ago, someone I love very much told me they were transgender. Frankly, I was shocked at first, but I managed to say all the right things (sort of). I knew my actions and words in those first moments were critical. So, I told them I loved them and that nothing could ever change that, regardless of their gender.

But it wasn’t just me. I was at ground zero but the impact radiated out to all those around me. And reactions ranged from unconditional acceptance and love to utter devastation and grief. Some of the people around me fell apart.

What about me?

Well I very quickly realized that, despite having always had lesbian and gay friends, I was rather ignorant of the ‘T’ in LGBTQ+. I am a middle-aged heterosexual, who didn’t know enough to help me understand this thing that was happening. And I didn’t like that feeling! I made myself consider the question: why am I so ignorant? And I concluded that it is simply because it had never been personal to me, and so I had never taken the time to consider it. Why would I?

And here is where the first problem lies, and it is one of the reasons why I am writing this letter. This is a tricky, uncomfortable topic for many people. And too many people are like me - ill informed.

So maybe that is the first question I want to ask you. Why are so many people so ill informed?

• Is it because they have grown up in a macho ‘men are men’ kind of world and ‘women are women’ and they don’t want to think about something that threatens their binary view? Of their view of themselves as a man or a woman?

• Is it because they have a culture or a faith that says ‘no’ to this kind of person?

• Is it because they just don’t want to think about something that is different from what they are used to?

• Is it because they have been shaped over time by a polarized society fueled by algorithmic sound bites?

• Or is it because they are like me, living in a world full of people like them… ahh the safety of the same. So, we live on, never stopping and truly thinking about what we think about people who are transgender.

What do you think?

Do any of these apply to you? Are you like me? And what do we do about it?

Well let me tell you what I did.

I went on a quest.

One of my good (and wise) friends told me that my heart had gone ahead of my head, and I needed to allow my head to catch up. So that is what I did. I put my disappointment in my ignorance to one side. And I threw myself into knowing as much as I could as quickly as I could. I read and journalled my way through the year, spending many hours filling my head with information that I knew I needed. Information that I knew would help me work out how I feel and what I need to say to those around me. I moved through many phases that included shock and sadness, to understanding and compassion. And now I find myself in a place of passion for love and acceptance, with a heart of love that is beating even stronger.

But it’s been hard. And I need to tell you that I am saddened by the number of people who just don’t want to go there. To look me in the eye. To even say the words.

To have the conversation.

So I thought I would write it all down in letters to you. And I am hoping that as you read them, you may come to see what I see. You will step into my shoes for a while, and you will try (and maybe even enjoy) to walk a little in my footsteps. The path has been rocky and at times hard. And it is a path that I didn’t choose. But I walked it and am still walking it and now I wouldn’t change it for the world. There is beauty in this path, and I know I am wiser for it.

But I need to warn you about something. Because, if you are starting from where I started, you may need to be prepared to consider a different way of thinking. A different way of believing. You may need to be prepared to put on shoes that are uncomfortable for a while. But as you walk with me, seeking out my footprints, trying them out for size, my hope is that you find yourself stepping through this subject more carefully, as you discover that these footprints radiate love. That there just might be another way. I know it can be hard. I have seen it in those I love the most. So I do understand.

But I look around and I see how quickly the world is changing.

Can you see it? Can you see how different it is from ten years ago?

There is an urgency in my heart. In the here and now. We can’t put our heads in the sand anymore. It is important that we talk. We communicate. This is a conversation that needs to be had. Because people are talking about it. The media, the politicians, the public, the church. And the conversation is not always of love or truth.

And even if you find the conversation hard today, just remember that one day you may need to talk about it. One day someone you know and love, may come to you and say they are transgender. And if this doesn’t happen, you will almost definitely, one day, be part of a conversation somewhere with someone who knows and loves someone who is transgender, or who is trying to make the world a better place for LGBTQ+ people. And I would like you to be in a better starting place than I was a year ago.

So, I would like to tell you about some of what I have learned this year. Because we must admit that we sometimes just don’t know what we don’t know. And sometimes that is just not good enough.

So look out for my next letter. I don’t expect it will take me long to put pen to paper again. I have lots to talk to you about.

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

With love and hope,

Alex

First published on the 26 April on my Substack page AlexS